Office Dog Etiquette

Welcome to V.I. Agency. As a bunch of dog-loving humans, it’s important to us to show our canine colleagues that we care. So, we spoke to our furry co-workers to create the ultimate dog etiquette guide for the office – straight from the pup’s mouth.

Dog’s turn:  

Dogs are the best colleagues.

We know, us dogs are pretty amazing. We don’t care how ugly our coworkers are, or judge their outfits (not even yours, Chris). We boost the team’s image with our glossy coats and adorable faces. We improve office hygiene by hoovering up crumbs and licking your filthy human skin clean. We make you less fat by taking you for walkies and by sharing those tasty processed snacks no living thing should ingest. We even inspire you to upskill by demonstrating the correct way to groom your nether regions.

On behalf of the V.I. office dog crew – including Poppy, Bobbie, Pando and Lexi – here is our dog’s guide to office etiquette to help you humans avoid embarrassing faux paws.

Greet everyone enthusiastically.

There’s no HR in dog world. We welcome—and encourage—face licking and butt sniffing. Also, please scratch our bellies. It’s not weird at all.

Always trust your nose.

Did you know, you can learn more about someone in the first two seconds of sniffing their butt than you can from sharing an office for a whole year? Mandatory butt sniffing would improve office productivity by 1,000,000%.

What’s yours, is ours.

Don’t be rude – if you’re eating in the office, you’re sharing it with us. Just think of us as the ATO of snacks.

More meat in your meatings.

No wonder you call it the BORED-room—you humans always forget the meat in your meatings!  Keep the team happy in your next paw-wow by throwing a few t-bones on the table.

Learn to speak dog.

Without tails, humans are basically useless at communicating. Here’s how to converse effectively with your colleagues, like a dog:

• Whining: ‘I’m anxious.’
• Growling: ‘This spreadsheet is rubbish, James.’
• Standing by the door: ‘It’s home time’
• Barking: ‘I’m happy / I’m scared / I’m excited / it’s windy / I saw a stranger / cat / shadow / car / someone said ‘walkies’ / this meating is boring.’
• Howling: ‘Seriously James, redo the spreadsheet.’
• Biting: ‘I warned you, James.’

Better work drinks.

Boost team bonding by replacing your office water cooler with an open water bowl on the floor. It’s a much more social way to share drool and gossip, and puts butts and noses conveniently at the same height.

Always be a Good Dog.

You don’t have to be a Tux Wonder dog, but when the Alpha (that’s your Boss) says ‘shake’, get that paw in the air pronto!

Office dog math.

If we have 10 balls, and one ball rolls behind the printer, we have zero balls.

If our lunchtime is at 1pm, and you feed us at 1:02 pm, you’re two hours late.

If you feed us at 12:30pm, you’re also two hours late.

If you pop out of the office without us for five minutes, you’ve abandoned us for 3 hours.

If one cat sits outside the office window, that’s 20 burglars attacking us.

Patting us with one hand = not enough pats.

Patting us with two hands = not enough pats.

If you stop patting us = zero pats ever and you hate us.

One treat = one treat.

Two treats = one treat.

Twenty treats = one treat.

Doing our business is not your business.

Please don’t stare, it’s creepy. But you can still take our poop as a souvenir (we get it, we love poop too).

Bring Alpha energy.

If you want to get your work done, treat your colleagues like the pack of Betas they are. A quick wrestle or bark-off should sort out the hierarchy.

Open door policy.

A closed office door is as offensive to us as being called a B-A-D D-O-G. Leave doors open so we can attend all your important client meatings and bark at appropriate moments.

Zoomies.

There’s a time and a place for zoomies in the office. That time is during an important client meating. That’s why it’s called a Zoom. Duh.

We’re not all basic b!tches.

While some of us fall into all the embarrassingly over-eager fan-dog stereotypes (*cough* Poppy *cough*), others prefer the company of our humans only. Read our tail language to tell if you’re welcome in our space. No wag = beat it, loser.

Keep it clean.

Humans are filthy—you don’t even lick your butts while you’re at work. No wonder you smell even worse than cats. We’re always showing you how to properly groom yourself—take the hint and get that leg in the air!

Don’t be a purrvert.

We smelled a rumour that one V.I. team member used to bring a disgusting baby CAT into the office. EW. The thought of a cat putting its stanky butt on everyone’s desks is enough to make us vomit, then eat it again. Leave your cats where they belong—in a sack at the bottom of the river.